Bob's Story

BOB'S STORY

THE STORY OF A FATHER'S GRIEVING OVER

THE DEATH OF A LOVING DAUGHTER

PREFIX AND PURPOSE

I fear that if Karen's life and death is not put in writing, future generations will not know her. I believe that would be a great loss. As I talk with friends it is as her passing is the huge elephant in the room that no one can mention. I love to talk of her and the direct point she had for her life, to bring honor and glory to her Savior.

Another purpose in putting these thoughts on paper is a selfish reason. Maybe there can be some closure in some part to this matter of losing someone so sweet and precious in the prime of her youth, so to speak. I must admit that many times I cried, “God, you got the wrong one….what about that drunk or that self centered person ….you are calling the wrong person from us.”

I trust that this story will be factual and therefore truthful. We had times of joy, precious periods of prayer and comfort in seeing our grandchildren, though in heavy sorrow learning to lean on the Lord. There were times of disappointment as we walked a lonely road that we had not been called upon to tread before. As I reflect this painful journey, I must be real as to my hurts and pains.

I will write this from my prospective. If you see something different, please feel free to write your own story.






For months, ten to be exact, Karen had complained of stomach pain. She had gone to the doctor numerous times only to be told that it was only indigestion and this medication should take care of it. I feel that Karen had a high tolerance for pain and finally gave up on the doctors as she had received no long term relief. One day she told her mother on the phone, “I am going to be so mad if this is cancer.” We passed it off because the dreaded “C” word did not fit our family.

Finally after many months the medical community decided it was time to run some tests. A date was set for these tests but before but before that time had come the pain became so severe that it became necessary to get her to the emergency room. They told her that she needed to be scoped from both ends to find the problem. Finding that these tests were scheduled in two weeks, they left the scoping until that date. When they scoped her stomach they found a huge ulcer and made plans to remove two-thirds of her stomach the following week. They said that they did not think it to be cancer but would take a biopsy and have the results the next day.

The next day, April 6, 2011, our worst fear came true. Judy and I were in shock as we made plans for a quick trip to California. I had just come home from trucking for several weeks. We gathered what we felt we needed in the motor home. We conversed with Karen about where we could park the motor home and she got us in touch with a family, the Cespedes family. This family was such a blessing thru the long ordeal and we will be eternally grateful. One small blessing was a baby girl, Eliana, was born while we were there. As we got in the motor home, I felt guilty as I asked Judy if we should take funeral clothes. We decided it was not necessary at this time. It yet seems as I had so little faith in that suggestion but I really felt it was just a matter of removing some or all of the stomach and getting all of the cancer. After all, people live without a stomach and they can make a substitute. Brian, Karen's brother, had proved that as his colon was removed ten plus years before. I yet have trouble believing that the two people which he received council from concerning the surgery have since passed away from cancer.

We headed for California with the motor home and van so we would have transportation. We set up the motor home, our living quarters, and went over to Kent and Karen's home. It was good to see our daughter and she looked good. Due to not being able to keep anything down, she had lost a considerable amount of weight. We had gone to California for her surprise fiftieth birthday party. She was a little on the heavy side and now only four months later she was more trim and in the fight of her life.

I did not harbor a good feeling toward the medical community for letting Karen's health get to this point and expressed it to Karen. She said, “Dad, that is in the past and we are looking to the future.” Nothing more was said about what might have been.

We shed tears as we tried to comprehend the dreaded “C” word. Karen and Kent were not about tears. Karen spoke from her heart, “This is not the path I would have chosen but if this is the path God has for me, I will gladly walk it.”

It seemed as though every flat surface in the house had a scripture written on it. God's Word was on the microwave door, on the glass panes of the family room door and various other places. Her devotion books and Bible were beside her comfort chair where she spent much time. It was as God had permeated the whole house.

Belinda, our middle daughter, had previously been with Karen as she had been in a supervisor's meeting in Las Vegas when she got the sad news of Karen's body containing cancer. Her boss said that she needed to be with her sister and paid her airfare to Los Angeles. I guess a hidden blessing to Judy and me was seeing the siblings coming together as real friends, not that they had been at enmity before, but now there was such a closeness. There was no rivalry or hidden agenda, just compassion.

I felt sorry for Brian as he carried a guilt for it not being him with cancer. He even told his sister that he was the one that was supposed to have cancer, not her.

We enjoyed the time together as we talked of fun and happy times. One evening we were asked to meet with the deacons and elders and their wives, some thirty or so. We sat in a circle as each individual prayed for God's will to be done in Karen's body. What a sweet time of intercession with such a Godly group.

After the prayer meeting we were making plans to attend worship service the next morning. We settled on a service and as we had our own car I asked Karen where we would meet. This precious servant with a servant's heart, carrying cancer in her body, much of the time doubled over with pain and to have her stomach removed the next morning, told me “I‟ll not be in the auditorium as I will be watching the nursery.” I just had to remind God again that He was taking the wrong one.

We had to set the alarm early the next morning to get to the hospital. Judy and I tried to stay in the background in order to give the family time together. When it came time for us to see our daughter before she went to surgery, we thought we were looking into the face of an angel. She was smiling and happy. We could detect no sense of fear or anxiousness as she rested in the arms of a loving God.

There was a special friend that Karen had from Bible school days that renewed the friendship I believe from Facebook. Barbara Webb had a liver transplant one year previous and became Karen's medical support. She went with her to doctor visits and advised her in so many ways as she had walked nearly the same path herself. At this early morning hour, this angel left her family to encourage her friend. One's love through Christ is unbelievable.

It was a long wait for us in the waiting room as the surgeon removed not two-thirds but all of her stomach and a small piece of her pancreas. They made a pouch of some of the intestines to replace the stomach. As she began to recover from the surgery, her wonderful smile returned.

Karen had a strong spirit as she so often wanted to take a painful walk to improve her recovery. We had moved our motor home to the hospital parking lot as it eliminated all travel time and we could spend more time with our daughter.

For us that were waiting in the waiting room, sometime fifteen to twenty or more caring people, we were loved in a special way each evening as someone from the church brought an evening meal. I will never be able to forget the kindness and compassion expressed in such a tangible way as this group of believers loved on us that were hurting. There was no morphine or painkillers for us but it meant so much to know that others really cared.

Keith, Karen's older brother, had not been able to come from Germany because of the demands of the ministry. After the surgery he called to check on Karen and see how the parents were holding up. He ask me how things were going and I told him things were fine, surgery was over, the cancer was gone and now just a time of recovery. This wise and loving son encouraged me to talk with Dave Kaneversky, a pastor from the church. Dave had spent time with Keith in Germany and they had become close friends. I invited Dave to come to the motor home and share with Judy and myself. Dave compassionately took us step by step explaining that fewer that ten percent of stomach cancer victims are alive three to five years after surgery. I believe, at a time of pain and sorrow, a person only hears, to really receive, what they want to hear.

This hit me like a brick but yet I serve, as did Karen, a God that is able to do anything. I continued to pray, “God, she is yours, may your will be complete in Karen.” Later I would experience the same denial in hearing as I could not remember being told that the cancer was throughout her lymph nodes.

Karen made a super fast recovery. In times of pain, little events seem to become huge. Once I was going to fill the van with gas and Karen volunteered to go with me. I felt so honored and special that she wanted to ride with her dad.

Before long Judy and I were no longer needed for daily care. Before we went home we had a scary event. Judy felt the need to return to Phoenix and catch up on bookkeeping for the company she worked for. She was following Brian and had Stacey, our youngest daughter, and her daughter, Ellie with her when a left front tire blew out. She was in the left lane going seventy-five plus miles per hour. As she was trying to keep the vehicle on the road, all that flashed across her mind was that if she let it get off the road, Belinda would be the only sister left. We had to rejoice for the Lord's protecting power.

No longer needed, we moved all the vehicles back to Phoenix. Kent and Karen were exploring every possible avenue of medical help. The doctors wanted to give her chemo and radiation explaining that they had no “silver bullet” for stomach cancer and at best could only extend her life for six months.

After going home and praying and thinking about it she began to wonder why she would want to live six months longer being so sick with a fever, half the time with her head in the toilet, losing her lovely hair for a few more days of pain. Kent was not receptive to the idea as he wanted to have the love of his life as long as he could possibly have her. After prayer and research Kent came to agree with his wife. Karen told the doctor that God had numbered her days while she was in her mother's womb and she would not try to change that.

When she e-mailed us that she would not have chemo and radiation but was going a natural route, I wept for joy and yet believed it was the best path. As the cancer began to take over her whole body the doctors said they could have made no difference as the cancer was so fast acting.

Kent took the whole family to Colorado Springs, Co to a specialist and set a program in place to make every effort to beat this silent monster. Every possible avenue was explored. People came out of the woodwork with water and machines to reverse this killer. Karen began to feel better and stronger. She returned to work and the caring, compassionate people there. The family was loved on through house cleaning, gardening, meals brought in, one lady would leave a fresh handmade flower arrangement on the door step on a regular basis, and someone even washed their windows.

In Phoenix our lives began to become somewhat normal again. I went back on the truck delivering loads from Arizona or California to the mid-west back and forth. Judy returned to her part time job and helped care for Ellie. Before long Karen once again began to have trouble keeping food down. At one time when Stacey was visiting her sister, she got some food to stay down. She ate a muffin with an egg on it, it only took three hours to get it down.

Somehow she could not get the doctors attention to the fact that she could not keep anything down, not even water. She went this way for two months. Finally she had to go to emergency to get hydrated intravenously. The doctors finally decided to find out why she could keep nothing down. First they scoped her stomach and found no reason for the blockage. I thought they would find scar tissue blocking the system but there was none. The next day they gave her a dye drink and x-rayed often to see how far it went through the digestive tract. They came back with a report that a blockage was found and the next day they would open her abdomen and find the cause.

I had been on the truck for four weeks trying to catch up for some of the extended time I had been off. I was in California and had taken a run to go home. The run had two pickups around Salinas and three pickups near Oceanside south of Los Angeles. While waiting at the first pickup Kent called, “Dad, are you sitting down?” Nothing could have prepared me for the next news. “They opened her abdomen and she is totally eaten up with cancer,” Kent said in a near steady voice. All the doctors could do was install a feeding tube below the blockage and sew her up. How could this husband of twenty-three years, father of a fifteen, seventeen and an eighteen year old express this horrible news to me? Kent handled it far better than I did. It was a tough job finishing the pickups and driving through the tears.

Charlie Yates called me. His wife was in the hospital dying of cancer plus he had buried two children, grown adults, in the past two years. I was buried in self pity, crying, blowing snot all over the steering wheel. I was a mess. Charlie said, “Bob you must toughen up. You are the head of this family and your kids and grandkids are going to need you to be strong.” I am thinking, “Charlie, how about some pity?” He told me I would not want to keep Karen in her pain ridden body and cancer was painful because he had been sent home to die forty years previous and he knew. Charlie continued, “Bob you would not want to deprive Karen of being with her Savior and an eternity in glory.” That was the best help I have ever received. Immediately I began to realize what Karen was gaining, not what I was losing.

I got home on Friday evening and made arrangements for Brian to deliver the load on Sunday. So many thanks to Brian and his church for allowing him to do that on Sunday, the day he has so much to do. Judy and I once again packed the motor home, this time complete with clothes suitable for a funeral. We caught a short nap and left about two in the morning. We went straight to the hospital. Our lovely daughter was even more frail this time. That evening Keith came in from Germany, coming straight from the airport in a rental car. It seemed as there was a completeness now. Even if all the siblings were not there, they all had seen their sister.

Keith has a take charge spirit about him and you just feel that God is in control. No one, no one can pray as Keith. You feel as you are in the very presence of God. It was so good to have our oldest son there in this tough time.

Karen was not in the hospital long as they had not done much in the way of surgery. We enjoyed a few days of sweet fellowship. Karen being a take charge person asked of me a dying request. Preston's room had a broken window, at least one glass of a double glazed window. I told her I would see that it was repaired. I put it on order to be picked up later.

Then Judy and I were hit with what I thought was a bombshell. Karen, through Keith (the strong one) said, “Mom and Dad, I need you to go home as I need time to mentor my children for my passing.” We had come for the duration and planned to pack all we could into the short time left. Reluctantly we took both van and motor home back to Phoenix.

The next four or so weeks were somewhat normal, as normal as parents about to lose their second born could be. One morning in Pastor Ken Adrian‟s Sunday School class he encouraged the class to remember our family in prayer as our daughter was “terminal.” That was the first I had heard that term used regarding Karen and it seemed so cold and harsh, just as a matter of fact or a statistic. Yes my daughter was dying but I did not want to admit it.

About this time Brian came up with a phrase which was used often after that. When asked how his sister was, he simply replied, “She is dying gracefully.” That was the most truthful and gracious way to express it. Karen told Keith, the go-to guy, that she wanted to make a series of videos for her children to have after she was in heaven. Keith ordered a top of the line camera that would do the job and worked with his sister to accomplish this task. That has to be one of the most special memories he can have of his sister.

On arriving home I made a phone call to a friend and dear brother. He asked about our daughter and in giving him a medical update I brought up the feeding tube. He told me he was to get a feeding tube. I was puzzled as to why he needed a feeding tube. Roger informed me, “I was told Monday that I have throat cancer.” I was devastated. I had given this man a driving job some twenty-five years ago and he would introduce me as, “This is the man that gave me my first job in Phoenix“. I thought, “You cannot even make a phone call without finding someone being struck with cancer.” He lived just a few days after Karen passed.

All too soon Kent called to say, “Dad it‟s time to come back.” Once again, funeral clothes in hand, we loaded the van. Belinda was already there and called trying to prepare us for the shock which we would receive. We left early and as we passed the hospital just off Interstate 10, almost the same time, Jeannie Yates was stepping into glory. Just a few days before, this full-blooded Indian saint when ask by a perky young nurse how she felt said, “I feel with my fingers, now get out and leave me alone.” I sure would have loved to hear the Lord say, “Well done my faithful servant.”

We went to the house arriving about mid-morning. What a shock, no preparation could have prepared us for what we saw. She had lost so much weight that now her head was too large for her frail body and her teeth were too large for her head. You would have sworn she was just rescued from a concentration camp. But the sweet Karen was yet within this frail body. She was glad to see us. She no longer spoke in full sentences but just made two or three word statements.

That evening, Saturday evening, hospice brought in a hospital bed. It seemed to me as the overhead light was uncomfortable for Karen so I asked Kent if there was a lamp so the light would not shine in her face. This was Preston's room and to say he is not the best housekeeper would be an understatement. Kent started digging around trying to find a place to plug the lamp in and found various things under a table. Kent ordered Preston in there and was rather harsh with him. Then I heard Karen whisper, “Good job Son.” Karen, always the encourager.

Judy volunteered to spend the night at Karen's bedside. We had left Phoenix at two that morning and now this mother's love compelled her to stay up all night with her daughter.

The rest of us went to the Cespedes' house, such a God sent family. They had planned to open a Christian home for the elderly when God had other plans and their Eliana was on the way. The Cespedes gave us six rooms, two baths and complete run of the house. Every evening we would ask their girls to bless us with, “It is well with my soul,” or something similar on the piano. Our whole family could stay at one place and cry on each other's shoulders as needed. At times the church would bring meals to us there.

Brian, Denice, and Sara arrived on Sunday. Brian being as tender hearted as his dad was sitting at his sister's bedside when she wagged her finger and made it plain, “No tears in this room.”

Karen had been able to take nothing by mouth and on Sunday she wanted a fountain Diet Dr Pepper. A neighbor kindly got it for her. Later she asked for a painkiller and Stacey ask, “With water?” Again the finger came out, “Never water, always Dr Pepper!” She may have been dying but she was yet in control. To this day we don't know where all that Dr Pepper went, only that it did not come back up.

We could not talk Judy into another all-nighter so Stacey and I decided to share the job. Stacey watched the first part and things went well. I relieved her about midnight. Things went well until near five Karen said, “Out.” ”What do you want honey?” “Out.” “Do you want to go potty?” She was getting upset in a hurry and now yelling, “Out!” I raised her up but to my surprise she swung her feet off the side of the bed and I realized she did not have strength to stand. It really scared me as I thought all we really need is a fall. I did not even know if she had panties on. In my fear I called for Kent sleeping across the hall. I have never witnessed a more caring or compassionate man in my life as Kent came in and took control.

I had envisioned months of cleaning up and changing the bed, etc. but this was the only time there was a problem and that was my fault.

Keith had been scheduled to preach in Des Moines, Iowa that Lord's Day and was to fly to Phoenix with Debbie, in the states by now, and then drive over to Kent and Karen's on Monday evening. About noon I was feeling light headed and knew it was time for a nap. I checked on Karen over Kent's shoulder and noticed her breathing was shallow with short gasps. I relayed that to Judy in the family room but still did not tie it into eminent death. I laid down for maybe an half hour. Judy's long time friend, Phyllis Jones, called from Texas and we talked briefly. Suddenly the house was alive….”She is gone, she is gone!” Our precious daughter had gone to meet her Savior face to face. Just that quick, just that easy, she was absent from the body and present with the Lord.

Immediately the house was filled with people that loved Karen. I called Keith as they were yet in route, maybe three hours away.

I began looking for the grandchildren. I yet had not found Lindsey; then I found her sitting on the concrete driveway. I sat beside her putting my arm around her as I heard her say,

“When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows rolls,
What ever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

This first year college student had just lost her best friend and she trusted and relied on a loving God. Just months before we had attended Lindsey's graduation as Karen had scheduled her stomach removal so as to be recovered enough to attend her daughter's graduation. Now this precious child was motherless. Soon someone asked us to come inside and have prayer around Karen's lifeless body. The room was filled as we stood shoulder to shoulder, most of them preachers or their wives. Dave said, “Brian has asked that we have prayer before the body is removed so we will ask him to pray first.”

Lindsey shouted out, “Me, let me pray first, I want to pray first!!!” This first born child thanked the Lord for allowing Karen to be her mother and for God having His way in her life. I just wished that I could have been as strong as my grand-children.

Before long the people came to remove our precious daughter. As they passed through the living room with the gurney, it seemed as there was a child under the sheet. In months Karen's body was reduced from two hundred eight pounds to less than eighty. Starvation is not an easy death.

Sleep was difficult that night but somehow the night finally passed. The next morning I told the remaining siblings that Karen had spent her first night in heaven. My own kids had to remind me, Dad, there is no night in heaven.”

Karen had worked out the details of her memorial service with Keith and Dave. The service was to be observed in the college gym. I ask how many the gym would seat and was told one thousand. I meekly ask how many people they were expecting. The reply was, “One thousand.”

Karen passed on Monday and her service was to be on Saturday. Not having a Sunday to announce need for helpers, an e-mail was sent asking for workers at eight o'clock Saturday morning to move chairs and set up the gym. One hundred fifty men showed up to do the work. Sixty college young ladies started at six in the morning to make one thousand egg sandwiches. Such a pouring out of love is simply overwhelming. A family service, just for family and close friends, was scheduled in the church auditorium. Some that were very close to Karen spoke. The service was short and personal.

The church had a room set up for the family to share refreshments together in privacy. When it came time for the celebration service in the gym which was three blocks away, once again the church was so thoughtful. A group of vans took the family to the service and likewise took us back after the service to the meal so graciously provided.

If ever there was a service that brought honor and glory to Karen's Lord and Savior, it had to be this one. There was no sadness, not much sorrow. Every one of the one thousand seats was filled. People were standing in the back and the vestibule was filled with people that could not get in.

Keith delivered the eulogy and pointed out how Karen had made an impact on so many lives as a teacher, principal, wedding coordinator, wife, mother, mentor and anything else a servant does. When asked to stand if Karen had impacted their lives, there was not a single person left seated. Preston and Lindsey spoke and sang a song. These teenagers were so strong. Kent and Karen had instilled in them the deep truths of the Bible.

Dave brought a very meaningful message.

Back at the church a luncheon was prepared for a time of fellowship. How sweet it was as so many told us what Karen meant to them. So many people that we had not seen in years were there. Phyllis Jones had flown in from Texas and Judy and I had picked her up at the airport. John and Linda Roberts drove their motor home from Tucson. John was yet wearing bandages from a recent surgery.

Mark and Laurie Smith, and Bob and Tami Valles came from Flagstaff. Karen had chummed with Tami as high-schoolers and took her to church. Now she is a pastor's wife. Karen wanted Tami to know the same Savior that she had come to love.

Various ones came from Phoenix. Judy's boss, Doug and Sandy Hoffpauir, Denice's brother and sister-in-law were there as well as Mike McBride. Jane McNeil when asked by Judy if she drove over by herself replied, “No, I flew with about one hundred fifty other people.”

Sharon Bublitz and her daughter Kim came from Phoenix and I am sure others that have slipped my memory, after all, I am a seventy-three year old man.

We were so thankful for so many that made the sacrifice to support us as we went through this dark valley. We realize that the challenges of logistics, lodging, meals, and so forth were great and so many cared so much. We appreciate each effort put forth.

As things began to settle down we returned to Phoenix. Some six weeks later the mail man brought a registered package from Keith. As we put the disc in the computer our precious daughter started, “Well Mom and Dad, if you‟re watching this, it means I have gone to be with Jesus.” We had no idea she had made a video for us. We knew she had made videos for her children for upcoming events in their lives and so forth but we did not know she chose to be a blessing to us after she had gone. Our daughter was a servant. Thank you daughter for giving us a voice from the grave.

She talked for fifteen minutes or so and thanked us for everything from teaching her to love God's creation to loving her children. I guess most of all she thanked us for teaching her to love Jesus and putting Him first. After she so bravely thanked us for seemed like every thing, she closed, “See you soon.”

They say time heals and I guess it has some. On the other hand it seems just yesterday she was with us, so caring, so vibrant, always putting others first.

Someone she had not heard from in years got in touch by Facebook. She rejoiced in the renewed friendship and asked how their walk was with the Lord. I don't think she heard back from them. Her whole life was about Jesus.

A parent is not supposed to outlive their children, but God's ways are not our ways. We will rely in a loving God that makes no mistakes. As Karen said, “God did not wake up one morning and say, "Oh my Karen, you have cancer."

Our Karen said and meant it, “This is not the path I would have chosen but if it is God's Will, I will gladly walk it.”

Karen has been with the Lord some seven months now (from the time this piece was written). Sometime I try to visualize the grand time she is having in God's presence. What must it be to see our Savior face to face?

So much has been realized from Karen's passing. We did not lose a daughter. We know where she is. Temporal things are just things. Only what is done for Christ is eternal. We have a plaque in our living room that says, “The best things in life are not things.”

Another lesson is that life is all too brief. I am seventy-three now. Karen was fifty when her stomach was removed and fifty-one when she went into the presence of her Lord. Where has the time gone? The grandkids are graduating high school, going to college, marrying, and having babies! How did that happen? Just yesterday we were pitching them in the air and spoiling them as only grandparents can. Life is so short.
When Karen was no longer with us and we were sad, Brian gave us some spiritual wisdom. He said that we strive our whole life to go to heaven, (not that we work for our salvation, but heaven is our goal) so when we reach that goal, why should we be sad?

We will miss Karen for the rest of our lives but will look forward as she says, “See you soon.”

Bob Gandy